The best way to start this Thoughts paper is just to start it. I have many things I want to talk about, but don’t know where to begin. The ongoing saga of working on the house continues. I have a few pieces of trim to fix, but we’re down to just finishing the painting. The other day, Patti allowed me to sleep late. I say “allowed” only because it’s partially true. Patti wants us to finish as much as I do, but she realizes I can only go so long without getting enough sleep. I got up on my first day off from work last week and she said, “I’m surprised you’re up this early.” I got up with my regular alarm I use when I go to work. The next day, I turned off the alarm and got up about 1 ½ hours later. Admittedly, I could have slept longer but stopped myself from pushing it.
Recently, I came home from work and saw a cigarette pack on the kitchen counter. It was as if Patti wanted me to see it just sitting out. She was asleep and left it out accidentally. I took a picture of it so I could ask Patti about it the next morning. Part of why I did this was to have proof in case she denied it. When I saw it, a flood of emotions rolled around my head. Is she smoking again? Has she been smoking for a while and I’m just now seeing proof of it? I asked her in the morning about it, and she calmly said she holds them sometimes to get through the cravings. To be honest, I believed her because I can tell when she’s lying.
I’ve had a thought for many years about addiction. My dad smoked, so I never wanted to smoke. My uncle and grandfather were alcoholics. This always made me leery of drinking too much or becoming a social drinker. I escaped doing illicit drugs by never having friends or family who did such things around me. There were friends and family who I knew did such things, but I never hung around them. I pride myself on thinking clearly and feel uncomfortable when I’m not in control. Being under the influence of a substance was the opposite of being in control. I tell people I’m too much of a control freak to allow myself to let a substance take control of me.
My biggest problem with becoming addicted to any substance would be finding non-religious help for my addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous is the most well-known program in the US. Several of the steps in the program mention God and admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. It is a Christian based organization and many of their meetings are held in churches. Narcotics Anonymous is broader but still adheres to a belief in a higher power. In case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, I’m an atheist. I’ve looked up non-religious programs for addiction recovery. They exist but are far fewer in number. The focus seems more on the mental health issues with addiction. I have an addiction to something, but I’ll explain that in the next paragraph.
We had a mini-vacation last week, and I got several sugary treats to celebrate. They were mainly Nerds candy and other things that were just pure sugar. I made the mistake of buying large bags of them, so I still have many of them left. Part of me thinks I should bring them to work so I can just get rid of them. This part of me realizes the pounds that I gained on vacation will not go away if I keep them. The completist side of me keeps them around so I can have them when I’m craving them. Patti only cares about me complaining when I weigh myself, so I just don’t tell her about my weight. Of course it goes up, but knowing why it went up allows me to accept it. I’m in control of the addiction or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Thoughts from Life 
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