Here we are at the beginning of Patti’s birthday month. I’m still waiting on an itinerary of our Route 66 trip. Does this make me nervous? Of course it does. Patti is very good at keeping me in the dark about specifics. Projects we do together always winds up with me trying to find out what she wants and me having to figure out how to do it. Admittedly, I come from a project family. My dad was always making things out of wood and other materials. My mom taught my sister and I to sew. Patti’s family, from what I’ve heard, never did that. I know she will read this paragraph and argue with me about it. I can’t wait!
There’s an automatic urinal I use that will not stop running if you walk away from it. I’ve figured out a way to get it to work correctly, but I must remember to do it before I walk away from the urinal. If I press the manual button on it and then walk away, it stops when I’m a few steps away. I’m usually able to get it to turn off with other tricks, but I still don’t know the exact sequence of things to do. Covering the sensor is part of it and timing when I press the button. I left it running once, and it was still running about an hour after I returned. Part of using that urinal is reminding myself to press the button before I walk away. I must run that through my mind as I’m doing my business. This is difficult because I’m easily distracted.
Let’s talk about my autism. I’ve talked about it in these articles, but I’m going to talk about why I say I’m autistic. First, I’ve never received an official diagnosis. If someone had diagnosed me as a kid, it would have helped me understand better. I was 48 when I realized I’ve always had it. There was a test online I took that indicated autistic traits. From what I’ve seen, the only difference between that and getting a diagnosis is being able to get special allowances at work and other places. Over the years, I have developed ways of advocating for myself when I need it. The chief places I have problems are when I’m around crowds, there are loud noises, or there are many things going on around me. Concerts bring all these things together. I don’t go to concerts.
I know people will take issue with me saying I have autism when no one has officially diagnosed me. I think being diagnosed would only help me if I didn’t know why I was the way I am. Autism explained all the questions I’ve ever had about myself. Like many people diagnosed with autism have said, my autism looks different from that of others with autism. It is not a sliding scale of behaviors or issues. The main thing that autism explains for me is why my senses become overloaded. When I’m trying to avoid conflicts, I say that I have sensory issues. In the end, the outward behaviors of autism stem from dealing with these sensory issues.
I can’t look strangers in the eye when I’m walking down the street to this day. When I look people I know in the eye, I must plan when I will look them in the eye. This involves choosing which eye to look at and how long to look at it. Many people switch which eye they look at, which adds extra complications. Some people don’t like eye contact. This is the easiest to deal with. I can look at whatever I want. I should mention that a conversation is happening when I’m looking people in the eye. That’s why looking strangers in the eye when I’m walking is so hard. I’m probably never going to see them again. It’s not an authentic form of communication.
I did experience problems with people when I self-diagnosed my autism. They thought I was just using it as an excuse to complain about things. Patti was one of those people. From her perspective, things that formerly didn’t bother me now bothered me. Really, things bothered me before, but I just kept it to myself. I would mask how I was feeling or remove myself from the situation. This meant not doing what I wanted, so I didn’t interrupt someone else. Eventually, I realized this was no way to live. Feeling a lack of control in my life caused my anxiety and depression to take over. For my mental health, this couldn’t continue. Diagnoses or not, I’m happier being myself than hiding who I am.
Thoughts from Life 
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