Dream Wedding – Thoughts from August 17 and 20, 2022

August 17, 2022

I was listening to a story where a young man was saying he had not had sex yet. Implied was that he had a goal of having sex and didn’t want to die without having it. It made me think about the goal of having sex for the first time. It is the goal of many teenagers, but it is an incomplete goal. The actual goal should be to have pleasant sex without negative consequences. That’s probably too much thinking ahead for most teenagers. I was not the average teenager and didn’t want to just have sex. I wanted a relationship that I hoped would lead to sex, but I didn’t just want the sex without the long lasting emotional satisfaction of a relationship.

A wedding can be the same as wanting to have sex. Many young people dream of having a wedding someday. Some people eventually get married and think more about their wedding day than who they are marrying. Simple goals don’t consider the complexity of the world. If you only have the goal of getting married, you will probably achieve that goal several times in your life because your goal is simplistic. Any time you expect perfection, you will always be disappointed. The wedding should not be the goal. Having a relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is the goal.

August 20, 2022

I treat other people much better than they treat me. Not that I’m going to change how I treat people. I like treating other people well, but I’m almost never treated better by others than I treat them. People thank me for things I do, but turn around and treat me as if I don’t matter to them. The major problem is other people’s beliefs. They believe they are treating me well, but they are ignoring their own behavior. I can’t ignore their behavior and have to suffer through it without saying a word. I feel like a mom whose kids don’t appreciate everything she does for them and have no interest in getting to know her as a person. They appreciate her for one day of the year, but still expect her to clean up after her own celebration. People appreciate you in words but not actions.

I got new glasses recently and am very much appreciating the clarity of things that have been fuzzy for years. One annoying thing was not being able to see the numbers on my combination locker. I had to take my glasses off completely sometimes. I’m still getting used to them. The transitional parts in the lenses are different. I have to position things with my head differently to see some things. I am noticing my night time vision is less distance than it used to be. Hopefully, it won’t be an issue. I’ll find out when I go home tonight.

I finished looking at my thoughts from 2003 today. Boy, was that a crappy year. Besides everything else, it was when I was working at the Assessors office in Data Entry. I was truly at my lowest before I left there. Most of my writings were on the verge of suicidal thoughts. It makes me feel better about leaving there. If I didn’t, I fear thinking about what would have happened.