Thoughts from September 21 and October 4, 2001

September 21, 2001

Today, I feel alone and pathetic. Every Friday at work, two co-workers go to Denny’s and mainly get Grand Slams. Most weeks, I’ve already had breakfast. This Friday, I specifically didn’t eat breakfast so I could take part in the Grand Slam festivities. An hour after everyone else had eaten, I got word that everyone had eaten. Luckily, no one ate my meal, so I could reheat it and eat it … alone. No one noticed I wasn’t there, no one noticed there was an extra meal not being eaten, and no one had but a passing thought as they were walking by. At first, I thought the person who told me was kidding. After they left, I talked to someone who doesn’t kid around, and they told me it was true. The worst part was the look on the first person’s face. It said, “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re a pathetic loser. Please don’t make me stand around having an awkward conversation with you.”

Every day, I fear things like this happening to me. To some, I seem like a strong person who doesn’t let a lot of things bother him. Mostly, this is true because I just avoid doing a lot of things that will bring these events on. I am insecure about every day that happens, every person I meet, and every change that comes into my life. I need to work on that, but it’s these events that try my ability to stay alive. At my last job, I had a going away party for myself (pathetic on its own). The more pathetic part was no one showed up. I think I mean something to people, but I don’t. People might remember me and say, “Wasn’t he the guy who …”, but that’s about it. I have made no impression on anyone’s life outside my wife and parents. To almost everyone else, I’m just “that guy.” I’m hoping that, through animation, I can change some of that. Whenever I create something, I always want it to be shown to as many people as possible and I want them all to like me because of it.

I can’t really take being here anymore. I’m out of here.

(Future note: This old version of me is hard to read about. When I read them, it’s as if they happened last week. The specifics are hazy, but the emotions are vivid in my mind. If I didn’t have Patti, this Thoughts paper could have been my suicide note. As it is, I am still here all these years later. I’ve been able to see people for who they are and not what I want them to be. If they don’t want me in their lives, I’m better off staying away from them. I would probably find we had little in common, anyway. I’ve grown from these times when people saw me as “that guy.” I’m less shy, more interesting, and more assured in myself. Yay, me.)

October 4, 2001

I make stuff up just to complete sentences. No, really, I do.

I’m a shy person by nature and telling a story with no real point to it is my forte. I usually have a point when I begin a story, but I forget it near the end of the story. I forget it because talking takes more energy for me than most. Mostly, I’m pretty jealous of people who can talk and talk and talk. There is a point at which they can talk too much and no one else can get a word in around them. I can get to where I can talk someone’s ear off, but this is usually when I’m talking to only one person.

Most of my non-talkativeness stems from an insecurity about what I’m saying. Even if it’s my opinion and I believe in it wholeheartedly, my delivery gets scrutinized in my head a hundred times before I speak. By the time I think of speaking, the topic is usually gone. Another problem (especially in a large group) comes from not being able to get into the conversation. I try to find an opening, but, since I usually haven’t spoken already, it’s hard to start. People who meet me one-on-one may not realize I have this problem and people who meet me in a group may not realize I speak at all. If I have to give a speech, I’m usually fine if I don’t know about it too far in advance and I can wing it. If I know about it too far in advance, I will worry about it too much. I’m one screwed up individual.

Right now, I’m sitting at a different computer at work. It’s also quiet … too quiet. Quiet makes me nervous. I’m administering a test to someone so it’s a good thing, but I like a little noise at least. When I was taking a test in school, I always HATED that silence with a passion. If that silence were a person, I would have beaten him up daily. If the silence was a plant, I would have let it die. If I were a bird, I could fly.

I’m doing it. I’m taking one class at The Animation Academy. I was going to take two, but Patti helped me decide to tryout one to begin with, so I don’t waste my time on a school that is no good. We visited it this past weekend and although it is right down the street from Disney Animation Studios (which is cooler than I can express in words), it looked smaller and not as nice as it did/does on their website.