Thoughts from 1991

1991 was the earliest entries in which I wrote my thoughts about my life. I believe I just thought of them as diary entries. I was in my first two years of college and was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. There are only two entries for the whole year, so it was something I did and forgot about. Unlike the Thoughts from Life entries from 1997, these were filled with angst, questioning, and a self-deprecating humor that helped me deal with the angst and questioning. I was self-centered, as most early twenty-something year-olds are. Unlike other twenty-something year-olds, I was aware of my self-centeredness. There was a great deal of time between the posts. The first is from March and the second was from November. Almost no part of me from this time exists in me anymore (except the self-deprecating humor part).

March 16, 1991

It’s hard to put your thoughts onto paper. It is easier than putting them out of your mouth, but thoughts are tough things either way. Life seems to go on and on. I don’t really seem to get anywhere. I can write this because it’s not really true. There is a slightly different aspect on the horizon. Yes, it is in the general category of music. All I will say is Prince. (Future note: I really don’t know what the Prince reference means. There was a time when I had made plans with someone I met in my second year of college to come over to my parents’ house and play music. He was a huge Prince fan. The Prince reference may have been a reference to that before he came to my parents’ house. When he came over, he seemed to just sit around acting depressed. I found out he didn’t really play any instruments. I can only guess he thought his love of Prince would inspire him enough to create something musical. It did not.)

Every day I realize I am destined for greatness and every day I doubt whether I could become a garbage truck driver. I doubt my poetry, I doubt my singing, I doubt my speech, and I doubt my nervousness. How can you control the involuntary responses of the body in mid-flight? Can you control the uncontrollable? Do I try? Should I try? Should I ever again say should? Do I ask too many questions? Can you ask too many questions? Am I answering my own question?

People look at me, and what do they see? I’ll tell you; they see a guy who … Wait a minute! How can I tell you what other people think of me? And … And! … AND! Why should I care what they think of me? Is what they think of me better than what I think of myself? Wow, that’s deep. Maybe I should think about that one for a while. Oops, I said should. How about … maybe I could think about that one for a while. Sounds better to me. But, then again, so do the sounds of a regurgitating hamster.

I know I’m done – and so it is.

November 22, 1991

Two revelations have hit me about my life. One involves a certain matter of a piece of paper which I received recently. It was chastising me for doing more than I should. The reason I was doing more than I should (speeding) I have just realized in my mind. When one runs away from their problems, rather than literally running away from them, they manifest in some other way in their life. So, what was I running away from? … life … responsibility … myself.

Yes.

Another of my vast two problems in life is my involvement with other people. Actually, this is probably more of a self-centered observation or praise of myself than a problem. In classes and between classes, I have noticed or thought I noticed people, specifically females, looking my way. Here’s where the self-centered observation comes in. Because I found myself unattracted to these females, I thought I had to tone myself down or make myself less attractive. Of course (as well as fortunately), these were only thoughts that occurred in my head in a flash of a moment. My point in writing these words (to myself and whoever reads them in the future) is I thought enough of myself to think that someone else could be attracted to me. It is a definite step forward for my confidence level.

I may find myself yet.