Windshields, Pig Men, and Random Clams – Thoughts from July 16 and 17, 2024

July 16, 2024

I would like to talk about an issue that is of great importance to me. You may already know what I’m going to talk about. Yes, the thing that disturbs me most when I’m driving is having a dirty windshield. We’ve all been there. Bugs die, birds poop, and dirt gathers on your windshield, and you know that your windshield wipers will only make it worse. The water comes out weird to your windshield, there is no windshield washer fluid in your car, or your wipers spread the dirt and debris further than not using your wipers. Seeing anything on the glass of the windshield that is supposed to be invisible is disturbing to me. I find myself distracted by anything that’s not supposed to be on my windshield. A giant smudge in the middle of it is hard to ignore.

Now that I’ve talked about the big issues, I can get back to telling the fart jokes that I’m famous for. Okay, I don’t really tell fart jokes. I can talk about farts though. One issue in eating a vegan diet is dealing with farts. For this and other reasons, I prefer to eat alone. I don’t have to fart after eating, but I feel better when I do. This is also why I prefer to do my yoga at home. It’s especially bad when I eat raw vegetables. The farts don’t smell as bad as meat farts, but they’re still unpleasant. Patti knows all too well the horrors of sleeping with someone who eats a vegan diet. If I’m awake, I try to control them and slip them out silently. Although, the silent ones can be worse than the audible ones. Is it worth it to feel and look better? Of course it is.

Here’s one thing that disturbs me (since it is national bitch-fest day) that shouldn’t because I’m a dude. When I walk into a restroom and see the toilet seat up, I’m not only disturbed for women but for myself. Whether it’s a men’s room or a single person restroom, I want to know who left the seat up and ask them how long they’ve been a pig. Men are the only ones who leave it up. If I’ve ever seen who left it up, I’m never surprised at who it is. It’s just one more thing that shows they don’t care about other people (especially women).

I recently listened to a book by Emilio Estevez and Martin Sheen in which Emilio talked about men being taught how to be men. He said that other men do not teach us how to be manly and deal with issues men must deal with. I agreed to a certain extent, but would add that caring about other people supersedes that knowledge. If you think only of yourself as most men do, you’re going to carry on the same horrible traditions that men have done for years. We need to teach men to be good people. This includes putting down the toilet seat in the restroom.

July 17, 2024

It’s the birthday of the place I work, but more importantly it’s the summer of our discontent. The summer has been hot, but I’m not actually discontented. I just like to show off occasionally and make a literary reference. Before I become too full of myself, let me cut myself down to size with some self-deprecating humor. I thought for way too long between this sentence and the last one and I can’t think of anything. In the next paragraph, I’ll start talking about something random. It’s my favorite kind of subject.

I remember when Cartoon Network had a weird animation in between the commercials where they would whisper, “Random clam.” They are on YouTube, but they’re not the one I remember. I recreate what I heard to this day whenever I hear the word “random.” From what I remember, they showed a clam when they said the phrase. I may have just added the clam in my memory of it. Part of me thinks it would be funnier if they didn’t show a clam. That’s truly random. I’ve always been a fan of random things. Chartreuse!