January 21, 2024
As someone was talking about watching a football game and getting riled up, I had an existential crisis as I listened. I felt an urge to point out how I could never have a conversation about such a reprehensible sport. I held my tongue, but it made me wonder if I’m ever going to relate to the average person. With the football conversation, it involved a woman, but it was a conversation I’ve heard many times and have never participated in. Some people think I’m just not interested in football or don’t understand it. I always take this as an insult because it usually is. The basics of football are pretty straightforward. It’s not a complex game.
Football conversations are just the beginning of things I will never relate to that are common in most people’s lives. I’ve never been a fan of casual conversations. Talking about the weather, politics, the economy, or any other everyday conversation fills me with boredom or rage. Nothing new ever comes from these topics. If people had these conversations in a movie, most of us would bore of it. I try to have conversations that are worthy of appearing in a movie. This doesn’t mean I’m performing as I talk. It just means I only talk about uncommon topics. “How are you doing,” rarely comes out of my mouth. Casual conversations are what you have when you don’t want to talk about personal things. I only want to talk about personal things.
Some people spend way too much time caring about how others view them. They worry how others perceive them. They ask themselves, “What do my actions say about me?” A better question is, “What do my actions tell me about myself?” You put on a show for others that you believe about yourself instead of viewing who you actually are. Most of us don’t want to view who we actually are. We exaggerate who we are to pretend we are living a purposeful life. The places we don’t go to say as much about us as the places we go. Caring about others is not just a personality you put on. It should be how you think about others. As I like to say, “What should be is not what is.”
January 27, 2024
I cleaned out my office some more on my days off. I cleared out the cardboard boxes of miscellaneous crap in them. There was no time to put the cords and electronics away because I spent most of my time looking for my birth certificate. I never found it, so I had to get a new copy from the County Recorder’s office. Patti needed it to complete her retirement paperwork. She has 55 days until her last day of regular work. I’m still excited and nervous for her. It’s exciting for her not to do her stressful job, but I’m nervous about what her retirement is going to look like. She has many plans. I just hope she carries them out. Quitting smoking would be an excellent first step.
When I was looking for my birth certificate, I saw a file that had my grades from school. There was one quarter when I was on the honor role in junior high. It was the only time in my life when I got all A’s. It was also the most miserable time in my life. With no friends, I had nothing else to concentrate on. I also had many awards for perfect attendance. This is also another award for the person who has nothing else to do but show up to school every day. Routines were and still are everything to me. I really didn’t get sick, and I was too honest to lie about it. Some kids rebelled, but that wasn’t me.
Thoughts from Life 
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