Sugar Makes Me Fat – Thoughts from July 23, 2022

Today I feel fat. I’ve felt fat because my scale said I was fat. My stomach feels like someone attached a sandbag to the inside of my skin. All of this fat shaming is to say that I need to change my routine on my days off. I’ve said this before and here I am saying it again. My big problem is my eating on my days off. The biggest of my big problems is my consumption of ice cream and other high sugar items. I can’t control myself around them so I shouldn’t have them around. Patti is an enabler in my habit, but it doesn’t take much to enable me. I’m quite a mess.

One thing I know about myself is I cannot be over-weight and happy. I think some people can fool themselves into thinking they are happy being over-weight, but they are just lying to themselves. It’s not a matter of having no happiness. You are just less happy than you would be without the weight. The moment my fat interferes with being comfortable or getting around, I know I’m not happy. The moment my health is compromised is when I know my happiness is less than it could be. I had a hard time dealing with life before I gained the skill of getting fat. Adding fatness to my worries decreases my happiness to dangerous levels.

Even getting past my current fatness, I still find myself unable to work on old creations. I’m all about new creations, but not improving old ones. Especially when I find myself with time at home, I think about all the things I could do and I freeze with indecision. I almost have an easier time when Patti is not working from home. I can start doing things without feeling judged about what I’m doing. Not that Patti judges me, but her presence makes me question what I’m doing or thinking about doing. Sometimes I just sit on the floor and let the cats surround me. As far as they’re concerned, spending time with them is the best use of my time. In many ways, they’re correct.

I’ve been reading my past Thoughts papers to Patti. She seems to enjoy them. I can’t really tell. She only reacts to things she finds disturbing. When I’m talking about her, she judges what I say. I say nothing in the papers I wouldn’t say to her directly, but she doesn’t like some of my depictions of her. Hearing about ourselves from the outside is not something anyone wants to hear. I’m used to hearing about myself from others. In fact, I encourage it. Patti is not me, thankfully. I need someone else to read or hear these words. Otherwise, I’m just talking to myself.