Eye Twitching Holidays – Thoughts from November 17 to December 18, 2003

November 17, 2003

My system had a minor crash again. I had worked on a song (a sad song), and it suddenly wouldn’t let me logon to Windows. After much ado, it’s back, but I’ve been saving all my songs in multiple locations – which I should have done before, but at least I’m doing it now. In just about a single night, I had a song recorded. I’ve spent another night tweaking it and adding to it, but it’s at least less of a process than animation.

Tomorrow night, Patti and I are going from work to Disneyland and staying two nights at a hotel across the street whose initials are H.J. We were originally going to stay at the Disneyland Hotel or the California Adventure hotel (aka the Grand Californian), but they were both $200 and up per night. Even the Paradise Pier Hotel (where I was hired but never worked) was in the $200 a night range. That’s too much just to look over the park from our room. We’ll do that someday. (Future note: We have stayed at the Grand Californian with a balcony several times here in the future and it was truly grand.)

We’re also going to the Grand Canyon on Thanksgiving weekend. The plan is to drive there possibly in the rain, because it will be cheaper in the off season. We’re taking the boys (our twin nephews). It’s Patti’s idea, but they agreed to it. I was never asked. I’m just going. Oh, yeah. I’m also driving because I always drive. When I’m no longer tethered with financial worries, these will all be former conversations about my poor past. I’m going to have a driver everywhere I go so I can have fun driving again. (Future note: Having driven for many years as part of my job, I can say I’m still waiting to be a passenger. Even on vacations, I drive 99% of the time. By this, I mean Patti drove part of the way when we drove from our house in California to Galveston Texas. A valuable lesson was learned that day. My dream of being driven remains but a dream.)

December 16, 2003

Merry F’n Christmas, everyone! And a stabbing new spear. This is a very Alternative Christmas. Besides listening to the Nightmare Before Christmas ride soundtrack from Disneyland, I also know I’m getting the Twisted Land of Oz “action figures” for Christmas. This is not the same Christmas I knew from years past. First off, my dad is not here. Everything that comes up (such as holidays, birthdays, etc.) is the first time it’s coming up in the year he won’t be here anymore. My mom is in her assisted living place. It’s tough to schedule holidays. Patti and I had to just give in and have Christmas at our house. Actually, it was Patti who had to give in. We’ll have to clean it up a bit and lock most of the doors so Cameron (my nephew) doesn’t invade them, but it can be done. I will probably show off my room, but I’ll lock it the rest of the time. Cameron is most likely going to be very frustrated by this. I’m going to have to tell him it’s because he can’t be trusted with our stuff. When he starts crying, I’ll send him home with his mom (my sister).

I’m stressing the hell out! My eye is twitching worse than ever – especially today. When I get stressed (from several different directions) my eye spasms. It’s usually just one eye and I think it’s mostly my right eye. The holidays are all stressful. I hate my job. My house is in disarray. I have a thousand things I want to do, but only time to do a few of them. I hate the fact that I only have time to nibble at getting things done and not finish any of them. This is my life. And, after all these years, I’m still shy. I’m so stressed, I don’t even have time to finish this thought … (Future note: Things got better, and they got worse. I’m glad to report that I don’t consider myself shy anymore. It only took about fifty years, but I concurred my shyness. I also haven’t had a twitchy eye in years. Not holding back when I feel frustrated helps. Most of my days are stress free here in the future.)

December 18, 2003

I was just thinking about my dad. Sometimes, at work, I have to go over paperwork that has death certificates in it. I don’t have any reason to look at the death certificate, but I always do. For some reason, I always look at the cause of death and think about what that person meant to the people he or she left behind. Today, I looked at a woman who had “alcoholism” listed as one cause for her death. Cardiac arrest was the main reason. Like my dad, whatever the final cause of his death, it was only the final cause. Years of smoking and bad eating were the main cause.