My 2003 was the Worst – Thoughts from September 10 to November 5, 2003

September 10, 2003

Help … HELP! …

HELP, God Damn it!!!

(Future note: This is all I had to say on this day in big, bold letters and I meant it. It’s fairly obvious, but I will let you know these words pretty much sum up my 2003.)

September 23, 2003

I CANNOT STAY AWAKE!!! My eyes are closing like stores in the crappy San Bernardino Carousel Mall. Speaking of which, that’s where I spend my lunch half-hour. My usual shady spot was taken, so I had to go back to my old favorite spot. Oh, the parking spot neighborhood has gone downhill. An incident happened a while back in which someone came and parked next to me. Hundreds of empty spots around and they have to park right next to me. What? Do I look social or something? It happened again today. Today, I’m hugely tired, so I began yelling about the people as I was driving to a different spot. I just got back from about a week and a half of vacation and I’m a man on the edge. I hate this city, my job, that I have to go home every night to an unfinished house, and the lack of organization in my life.

October 28, 2003

My world is on fire! The hills and mountains around my house are aflame, but the rest of my world also has a murky quality. They’re not close enough that I think my new house will burn, but they are close enough to make me wonder about such things happening. It thinks and stops you make. (Future note: Yes, I meant to type the last sentence like that, grammar checker. It’s a purposeful rewording of the phrase “it makes you stop and think.” I originally left it unexplained, but thought it would make it even more entertaining if I explained it to death. You’re welcome.)

I’m not typing this on 10/28 anymore, so I’ll have to add a new title.

November 5, 2003

Despite the fires around my area, I can tell you my house is fine. We had someone stay with us who was evacuated from her home. It was Karen. Remember, I used to work with her. It was a little weird having her in the house, but she took us both to dinner twice. She left on Sunday morning, which gave me the afternoon to go to the place I dread – the music store.

First off, why do I dread the music store? I dread anyplace where salesman congregate. (Future note: Yes, there were no saleswomen in the music store in 2003 or I would have said “salespeople”.) They travel in packs, so you’re surrounded by them or ignored by them. At first, I was ignored because they were chewing on other carcasses and didn’t see me. When it was my turn, I was chewed up and spit out with less money/flesh than I came in with. I got a better guitar than I went in for and a more expensive guitar effects processor. In a grand delusion of magnanimity, I got a guitar stand for free! I told the salesman my wife was going to kill me because it was more than I was going to spend. I think he thought I was serious because, as I was leaving, I saw him dial 911 and the police escorted me home. The original price sticker was still on my guitar when I showed it to Patti so I could show her I could have spent more. Not a lot more, but more. She seemed impressed with at least the look of the guitar. I now truly rock.

Why did I need a new guitar? Because I’m going back to the cool dream I had in high school. One way or the other, I’m going to be a rock star. I think my closest “in” is through alternative music. The songs are easier to write and play, and I can write better songs than most of the alternative artists on the radio today. Like Nirvana, I can create songs that live longer than I do. Hopefully, I won’t kill myself at the height of my success. If I don’t kill myself in this miserable year, I don’t think success will push me into doing it.

Just to recap the miserable 2003 I had, let’s look at what has happened this year:

• My dad died.

• We had to put Truck (the cat) to sleep.

• Sister (the other cat) went insane.

• Our house was robbed.

• We had to put all our stuff into storage and live with nothing for several months.

• The lady at the storage unit ran into my car with her electric cart.

• We had to live in one room for a couple of months.

• My mom had to go into an assisted living place because we couldn’t take care of her.

• The world around me was on fire.

• I got laid off of my job at the last possible minute.

• I had a crappy job with Disney and had to give it up for another crappy full-time position with the County working in Data Entry (such fun I’m having).

• Some bum at lunch made me almost have a complete breakdown.

Yes, some drunken bum walked up to me in the parking lot shaded area at the mall and it pissed me off. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. I put out every sign possible I wasn’t in the mood for talking, nor did I plan on giving him any money. I don’t like to talk to bums anyway, but being drunk as he was just put me over the edge. You’re not a bum who drinks, you’re a bum because you drink. I’m a liberal, but I’ve seen too many “bums” that are just drunks and druggies. I think programs should be in place to help these people and are in place, but I’m not liberal with my money going to a druggie or an alcoholic. Starting the car, I drove quickly away from the him. I told Patti about it, but she was unsympathetic. Not that she didn’t care, but she only seems capable of focusing on her own problems these days.

Somehow, some way, I need to find a way into a job I can enjoy doing. Once I’m there, I can do anything, but I have to force myself to go there. It will not come to me. I have to go to it. First, I have to discover what “it” is. Where is it happening and how can I be there when it happens?

There’s someone outside right now that’s walking right in the middle of a busy intersection. Literally, in the middle of a four-way stop. He has a mohawk and some kind of stick in his hand. I mention this because I couldn’t believe it was happening right on a day when everything else was going insane and because it illustrates my point. The guy is just wandering around (in the middle of the street) without a clue. I can’t comment on him because I’m doing the same thing. I’m not as dramatic as he is, but I’m wandering with no direction in mind. It’s now or never (to quote an Elvis song). I want to do and write animation someday, but music is what I do best.

I’ve been listening to my old songs a great deal. On the one paw, it lets me know how good I was, but, on the south paw, it reminds me of how much better it could have been – how much better it was before the crash of ’97. I must always remind myself that backing up is essential. It’s nerdy and “safe”, but unless I want to regret more things in my life, it must be done. I’m going home tonight and back-up. I’m also going to rearrange my office by taking out my drawing table. “Actions speak louder than words,” to quote The Black Crowes’ song.