Thoughts from February 4 and 27, 2002

February 4, 2002

Well, I have seen John Lasseter in person now. I know how excited my regular reader is about this.

(Future note: Patti and I were at Disneyland and we were walking by the Matterhorn. John Lasseter walked by us with a host and his kids. I told Patti that John Lasseter just walked by us and she probably said, “Who?” He was huge in my world because of how many behind-the-scenes things I had watched from Pixar. They only had 4 films in 2002, but I had devoured all the behind-the-scenes footage that was available on every one of them. Pixar films took behind-the-scenes to the next level. They made me want to get the DVD with the most behind-the-scenes on it. You got to know the film makers just like you got to know Disney back in the day. Most people at the time would have been like Patti. John Lasseter was nowhere near as famous as Woody and Buzz. His name has been tarnished because of allegations of unwanted hugs, but he is still on my list of exciting people to meet.)

February 27, 2002

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap

Crap crap crap crap crap

Crap crap crap

Crap

I began this paper with a lovely piece of art. Art that reflects my feelings about the world right now. (Future note: The word I used to create the “art” was not the word you see here. I made an executive decision to change it from a word beginning with “f” to the word “crap.” I think it conveys the same message.) I feel trapped by myself within myself. I want to break out, but I don’t (or won’t). I want the inside of my mind to come out, but I don’t (or won’t) let that happen. Self-doubt fills me. I know of what I am capable, but I doubt the rest of the world will ever find out. Maybe I doubt my skills are actually there. I can do anything. I just don’t have the time to do everything. Actually, I’ve picked specific goals and I’m journeying toward those goals.

What are the goals, Brian? That’s a very good question. Let me answer that in the form of a chart:

Goals

1. Develop an animation portfolio and reel.

2. Get an entry-level job in animation.

3. Create my own animation studio.

Simple enough to list out. What are the problems with said plan, Brian? That is also a good question that requires another chart to answer:

Problems with the Goals

1. I don’t enjoy drawing that much.

2. I’m not using my time efficiently.

3. I don’t network well.

I’m a very insecure person. Every time I show others my work or part of myself, I always expect to hear, “Do you know how bad this is?” or “Do you know how sad you are?” When someone says something good about what I’ve done, I think less of that person. I think the reason they are saying good things about me or what I’ve done is because they don’t know enough to know it’s crap in several different ways. Most of the time, if I truly had time to work on something, I wake up and realize nothing is ever done, so I couldn’t have finished anything to my satisfaction. The world is filled with perfectionists, and I am one of them.

If I act casual or uncaring about someone’s opinion of my work, it’s only because I’m a good actor. When I stand in front of people and give a speech, if I don’t look nervous, it’s because I’m acting as if I’m not nervous. I’m always nervous. When I go into a store and buy something, I’m nervous about saying the right thing. When I come to work every morning, I’m nervous about who’s going to receive the coveted “hello” from me. When I go to Disneyland to have fun, I’m nervous a character is going to walk up to me and make me do something stupid. This has never happened at Disneyland, but I’m always looking out for it. I am not only my worst enemy, but I am the worst enemy of my enemy. I hate myself for hating myself and that makes me hate myself all the more. Insecurity controls my life. I need to learn to control my insecurities before they consume me. I’m never going to be completely secure with myself, but I would like to be more in control of what I do when insecurity strikes.

Unfortunately, this in one of those thought papers that isn’t very entertaining, but is cathartic for me. I still don’t really have a plan, but I have reminded myself of the problems. Tomorrow, I’m going to Disneyland with Patti. Oops, I wish it were tomorrow. Actually, it’s two days from now. Speaking of which, I need to finish a bunch of work at work (where I am) so I will stop now and move on to the drudgery of life. I don’t hate my job like I used to, but I don’t like it that much either. My goals are much higher than this job. By the way, I’m working at JESD in case that’s forgotten in the future greatness of my life.

Thank you for listening. Press stop now.