Thoughts from May 17 to July 23, 2001

May 17, 2001

Well, it’s today. Of all days for it to be today, today is not the day for it to be today. Why can’t it be today tomorrow? Actually, why can’t it be tomorrow today? Why ask why? Beyond all that is … there is nothing. That’s not true. I don’t believe that. Believe in me. Believe in yourself. Don’t question the great and powerful Oz! Question everyone, but believe no one.

I’m certainly glad that paragraph is over, but I really should have an introductory sentence to this paragraph instead of just referring to the last paragraph. I am hoping in this sentence to redeem myself by introducing the subject of … (pause for longer than you think is necessary) … I blew it. I couldn’t think of anything to write about, so I just put ellipsis. The parentheses about pausing longer than you think was added later (about 22 years later). What an obvious thing to say – nothing. (Every time I put a dash [-] into a sentence I’m writing, it changes it to “–”. It’s not a huge difference between that and “-”, but it’s enough to annoy me. It’s not the symbol I mean to write.)

I’m starting this paragraph just to detract from the fact that the last two paragraphs were so lame. This paragraph is actually kind of lame itself. It only has three sentences in it.

This sentence just lets you know my thoughts are over for today.

July 17, 2001

When in the valley of good and evil, please watch your step. Don’t step in any blame, shame, or fame. These are hard to wash off of your mental shoes.

People have said they don’t want to know what I’m thinking about them. Mostly, this is true. They probably don’t want to know what I’m thinking about them. I have unfavorable thoughts about those closest to me, but especially about those near the edges of my tangible existence. (And next, I will speak in English.)

Just so you know, the last comment and the rest of this paper are written on 7/23/01. Not that it makes a difference, but it makes a clarification. I like to keep things clear. Clearly, that is the clearest form of clarity keeping things clarified.

There are many games in conversations I just don’t play. Some I need to force myself to play so I can get along better in this thing we call society. (Who is the “we” of which I speak?) The world plays these games with no explicit rules besides the ones “everyone knows.” One example is the non-confrontation rule that must be observed when you meet someone. I was in the supermarket one day. There was a man in front of me in camouflage. Strangely enough, the camouflage was of a supermarket so I couldn’t really see him at first (this actually isn’t true, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it was?). We were both about three to four people back in the line. He said the acceptable conversation starter (according to the unstated rules of conversation), “Why do I always pick the line that’s the slowest?”

I laughed at his comment and said the clever retort, “Yeah.”

He turned back around to me a couple of seconds later and said, “I really hated what we had to choose from in the last election. I’m thinking of overtaking the government and putting my brother in as president. He’s smart and stuff.” (Actually, I can only vouch for him saying “hated” and “last.” The rest of the sentence I completely made up to make the encounter sound more interesting.)

The conversation went on, continuing the political slant. In my mind, I disagreed with just about every word that came out of his mouth. I, of course, verbalized this by saying, “Yeah,” every other sentence. He described how the government had plans for him as an American he did not agree with. I just hoped he didn’t start calling for the over-throw of the government right there in the store. I’d be forced to go out and spend money on a gun and all. I tried to end the conversation with, “Well, what are you going to do?” That only seemed to elicit further examples of governmental manipulation of the American public.

In the end, I lucked out. He walked out a different door than I was going out. I jogged to my car, fearing he was parked right next to me. He only walked out a different door to throw-off the government’s snipers that assuredly had large weapons trained on him. If I stayed near him much longer, they would think I was in the same anti-government group as him. I would be shot because I have no skills at ending a conversation.

The difference between me and that man was his blind belief that because I was dressed nicely or was a white male (I had on my white male costume that day) I would agree with his everyone’s-out-to-get-the-white-male monologue. He was looking for someone to have a conversation with rather than looking for a conversation to have with someone (me). He cared more about his own opinion than whether someone else wanted to hear his opinion. Frankly, I didn’t want to hear his opinion, but I talked to him because I wanted to treat him better than he treated me. Thinking, speaking, and caring are different skills. He had one of them. Can you guess which one?