Thoughts from September 2 and 18, 1998

September 2, 1998

Here I sit in my open casket. I’m not dead, but I’m not really alive. If there were a state of questioning, I would live in it right now. My questioning has to do with everything (as opposed to the questioning of nothing I normally do). I drink from an orange cup, and I don’t know why. I’m in a transition. The big question is, what am I transitioning in to? Where do I want to go? How do I get there? What is my problem? Am I lazy? Do I need to pick just one direction? What the hell direction would I pick? Have I asked enough questions?

Okay, technically, I am writing this paragraph two days later than the last paragraph (9-4-98), but if I or someone is reading this years from now, I don’t think they are going to care what exact day it was written. I know it’s not good to start a sentence with “Okay, technically,” but I’m on the verge of a three-day weekend. I think we all know what that means. Even if you don’t, I don’t think now is the time for me to explain it to you.

Back to my original purpose of writing my thoughts. I am in the process … I take that back … Patti is in the process of getting pregnant. I don’t mean right now she is with a male prostitute. She is going through the process of being inseminated. I did my thing into a cup today. Been there, done that. It’s old hat for me now. My “thing” was then put into Patti. I got to watch. To tell you the truth, it actually turned me on a little. After they put my “thing,” or rather “things,” into Patti, they put a plug in her. She had to wear the plug for 5 hours. She said it was none too comfortable.

Patti can claim she made my life miserable all she wants. Even with all the tough times I’ve gone through, they’ve only been made easier by going through them with her. I always tell her, when she brings up the making me miserable thing, I was much more miserable when I would sit alone in my room and be depressed. I used to work more on my music and writings, but now I’m actually getting life experience so my music and writings can be about something. I’m going to work on being a songwriter. I think I have a semi-unique voice and I could sing my own songs, but I would much rather have someone else sing the songs. I could just reap the benefits of the royalties I would get. My talents can make a great deal of money (and that’s me being humble). I’m going to use them starting … I’ll get back to you.

Well, it’s 5 o’clock and here I sit waiting for it to get 6 o’clock so I can go home and mow the lawn. Patti came up with the plan of mowing the lawn so we could have the weekend free to do other things besides mowing the lawn. I don’t really know why we’re making all this free time for ourselves when we don’t really have enough money to do anything with our free time. Patti has different ideas about things than I do. She gets a little more excited about things than I do. She rants about life not going her way more than I do. But, if we were on that hill waiting for the minister to say, “I do,” I would say “I do” all over again. The one thing I wish she would quit doing is breaking up with me. Every other month, she wants to break up with me. She always says she is breaking up with me so I can have a better life, but a life without her would only put me back to the miserable life I had before I met her.

I’m going to actually do some work now, so I’ll talk to you later, you crazy reader you.

September 18, 1998

It’s a Friday. I haven’t heard from MTV about the Beavis and Butthead contest yet. It’s been 3 weeks. I’m thinking I’m just not going to be given a break. I need to go out and earn my break. I deserve a break today or in the next month.