I’ve been in a downhill roly-poly spiral as of late. I need some help from above. Yes, I need to paint my ceiling. My theory is it collects dust because of the flaky material from which it is made. (Future note: I’m talking about a popcorn ceiling.) In the words of Bob who works at the Safeway downtown on 40th and Vine, “Who cares! Take your whipped topping and be on your way!” I tried to call Dan the Man (not his real name or his real nickname) today because tomorrow is his offspring’s Birthday. His line was disconnected. This means one of six things:
1. His line is not working because of a malfunction at the plant.
2. His line was disconnected because of an unpaid attention span.
3. He knew his line was going to be disconnected and purposely didn’t give me his new phone number as to avoid my knowing grin at this festive holiday time of year.
4. He moved and purposely … (see # 3).
5. I have terrible dialing fingers.
6. I licked my foot once and now everyone hates me.
I don’t mean to make light of the truth that Dan Knee probably doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but I just did, so what can you do? Frankly, that’s the way I handle life in general. When I was younger, everything under the sun used to scare me (and believe your my [the opposite of “you me”], that’s a great many things). Humor helps me get through life’s many scary events. Through the use of humor, one can completely screw up in life and at least get a good story out of it. Enough about that. Let’s talk about my inability to relate to members of the opposite sex. On second thought, let me just pick my nose and watch another sex video.
I had a big shopping day yesterday (that’s right, I bought more than nothing) and I got myself some new clothes. This may not seem like a big deal to you “normal people”, but it is a big deal for me. The whole idea of shopping doesn’t appeal to me. It needs to be done and, if it isn’t, you go around looking like someone trapped on a deserted island since the Carter administration for another year. If we didn’t have to wear clothes, I could replace some of my old problems with new ones. Namely, toe-envy.
If I learned anything from today, it’s this:
Okay, I learned nothing from today, but I got a compliment on my new shirt.
Thoughts from Life 
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