Thoughts from September 3, 1994

Prepare yourself! Brian is not feeling the heights of pleasure or even comfort today. Those who read forth should be convinced of their own contentment and emotional well-being.

Life is a big soup and I’m one of the noodles. There is a job opening up at work for a Recreation Assistant. The job pays between $1687 and $2026 per month. I’m applying for the position at the suggestion of many people both at work and in my personal life. If I got the position, I’d be in charge of Adult Sports, Youth Sports, and Aquatics. The job would require me to be at work from 11:00 am to 8:00 pm. This doesn’t leave much time for working on my screenplays, music, or other crap. It would give me more money so I could pay off the debts I owe plus, perhaps, get me out of the house at some point. I could also get some more equipment to make my music sound better, etc.. I can see myself in a successful career as a musician or a writer (I like those titles), but can I see myself as a Recreation Assistant.

Of course, there is no law saying I must keep the job for the rest of my life. Though, it’s not as easy to get another job, working 5 days a week and only having weekends off. This is not to mention the lack of exercise I’ll probably be developing because I’ll have to make a choice between exercising and writing or playing music. I also feel guilty about taking the job when I know I don’t want to be in the position for long. The sooner I get out, the happier I’ll be. This is not fair to the participants and other people who are working with Adult Sports, Youth Sports, and Aquatics. Most people keep telling me it’s just the way the City of Redlands operates, but I’m not known for my love of going along with what everyone else does without thinking.

So stands my dilemma. Do I apply for the job and possibly get it, making me feel miserable and guilty, or do I not apply for the job, making me feel guilty for not taking an opportunity and challenge given to me?

Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll send in my application and resume. If I have the skills to do the job as I am and they hire me knowing what my qualifications are, I’ll accept it. If they don’t prefer my skills as they are, then I’m off the hook. With the decision made, I’ll move on to other things. (Hello, it’s the voice of the future. Just so you know, Brian not only didn’t get the job, but he didn’t even get interviewed for the job because he didn’t pass the test he had to take to get the job. Fortunately, the test was a pick-the-best-answer test made up by government employees, so he doesn’t feel too bad about not passing it. Ricky Rockett (not his real name) passed the test and is the Recreation Assistant for Youth and Adult Sports as of 12/4/94. Goodbye from the future and have one of those days.)

Am I good enough as a singer to carry an entire album (yes)? Am I good enough as a writer to write a hit screenplay (yes)? What’s holding me back (?)? Am I just lazy? (I reserve the right to say nothing.) Am I afraid of success? Am I afraid of failure? Do I really know what either is like? These and other questions remain unanswered on the next canceled series “What’s My Life?”

How accepting are people to differing points-of-view? If they will not be too accepting, what makes me think they’re going to accept my differing points-of-view? Do people really give a crap what I (as a possible future celebrity) or other celebrities think. There are plenty of vegetarian stars while the country hasn’t exactly gone meatless (including myself). (Future note: It took many years, but I eventually became a vegan most of the time. I found out I can go long stretches without meat. Take that, past self!) People don’t boycott films with vegetarians in them, though they disagree with the practice. Perhaps “disagreeing with” isn’t exactly the correct term. A better term might be “too lazy to care about what the celebrity does on their own time.”

If I’m an atheist (purely hypothetical, of course) but I don’t push my atheism on anyone, people won’t care. If I make a film with an atheist point-of-view, then people may get hot under the collar. Then again, if I make it well enough, they won’t know it’s an atheist point-of-view unless they’re looking for it. I’m not in the business of changing people’s minds about how they feel. What I am in the business of doing is letting people who think like me know there is someone who agrees with them. I am not prepared (nor do I want to be) to convert people to atheism. I am prepared to make atheists and other divergent people feel better about themselves by giving them a better understanding of themselves.

Well, that’s one run-on sentence too many, so I think I’d better stop now while there’s still fire in the oven and a piece of fried chicken in my heart (Future note: Gross!).