Thoughts from July 31, 1994

In the name of all that is exciting and new, I procured myself a bike. I can’t really say what this means yet (if anything) as I’ve only had the thing for a day now. Hopefully, it will give me a better chance at getting some exercise. I realize I’m going to have to work my way up to using it to ride to work, etc., but I hope to do that at some point. I might ask myself why not just jog or play tennis. One reason is I’m a loner and I know that about myself. If I ran, I’d either have to run with someone else (I’ll get to that later) or I’d have to chance having to say hello to someone as I run by them. As for playing tennis, it’s not really the most intensive exercise and you need a partner you can count on, which I don’t have.

(Future note: In all the following entries, I will refer to a Danny. This is not the person’s name. I’m referring to him as Danny because he reminds me of Danny Trejo, the iconic actor of the Machete series of movies. I didn’t think of him as looking similar to Danny Trejo back then, because I don’t think I was aware of Danny Trejo. I met the Danny I will talk about in one of my classes in college. He was relatively physically fit and muscular. We used to jog together and went to the movies often. That should pretty well get you up to date on who I’m talking about. Please join me as we travel back to 1994 in the next paragraph and beyond.)

Well, I think it’s later now. As for running with someone else, I used to run with Danny, but he doesn’t know if he wants to be my friend anymore. I’m supposed to meet with him today at Black Angus at 4:00 pm. (Voice from the future, here. The meeting never took place.) What exactly we’re going to talk about, I don’t really know. As I understand it, he feels I don’t take him seriously enough. One thing I don’t take seriously is our “relationship.” He wants me to examine the fact that we are in a relationship together while I don’t understand why we can’t just call ourselves friends. We’ve had many discussions on this and, though he has said many times he is not a homosexual, he seems to want to get as close to being a “couple” as we can get without being a couple. I am not a homosexual. I’ve tested the thought out seriously with myself throughout my life and I always come to the same conclusion — I am not attracted to men. I do not get sexually aroused when I see any man and I feel sorry that most women are slotted to be attracted to us. I don’t feel I’m better than a homosexual because of this. I am merely stating the facts from my perspective.

Do I think Danny is a homosexual? I don’t know. To be honest, some things he says (usually about me) make me wonder. He considers himself an expert on homosexuality because he has known several homosexual people and talked to them in depth about their lifestyles. He came from a background, similar to mine in this respect, that told him homosexuals were strange people who needed to be avoided. I later found out this was the opposite of the truth. He says things to me, such as, “I’m going to lick ya,” as a joke. Sometimes I reciprocate and say something that could be seen as homosexual back to him as a joke. This gets into me not taking him seriously enough. Sometimes he states he would do homosexual things to me seriously. When I try to joke them off, he gets angry that I joke around too much. He not only gets angry at joking around in these situations, but in other non-homosexual situations as well. As with others, I use humor as a defense mechanism. I can do things under the guise of humor I normally wouldn’t do such as tell people personal things about myself. I’m quite an open person, but I don’t normally volunteer personal, embarrassing information about myself unless I can tell it humorously. I have a good hold on my sense of humor. When I do this with other people I am uncomfortable with, it can get on their nerves. Well, this happened with Danny.

I realize I need to change some things about myself and I’m working on those things. Yes, I’m working slowly on those things, but I am working on them. Mostly, I like myself. There are some things about me I would like to change, but I don’t see those as reasons to hate myself. I fear many things and, subsequently, don’t take part in things I haven’t done before. Sometimes, that’s a good thing (I could decide square dancing is not so bad) and other times that’s a bad thing (I haven’t had a date in over 5 years). (Future note: This is quite the statement considering I was 24 at this time. By “quite the statement,” I mean a really sad one.)

Another crappy aspect of my personality is I’m self-centered. If I don’t want to go to a certain restaurant, I’ll say I’m not going to that restaurant. One thing about me and restaurants is we don’t get along. The idea of being in front of other people, eating and having to talk to a server you know doesn’t give a crap about you beyond you paying their salary doesn’t appeal to me. When I’m actually there, it’s not so bad, but when I’m coming or going I feel the pressure. It’s the same pressure you get when you walk into a store, and you have to put on a fake smile for the salesperson and pretend you don’t know the only thing they want from you is your money. I know this makes me the least perfect person to go bargain hunting with, but it’s how I feel. I also know it’s all based on fears. I need to face my fears and get past them, but there is still something inside me telling me the whole interaction is a lie. I also also (yes, I meant the second “also” grammar checker) know I can be extremely annoying because of these fears. Danny is no exception. Most people get annoyed when they shop or eat with me.

Well, I don’t think I’m really going to get any further on the issues of Danny or fear right now. I’m glad I have my bike and hope it brings me closer to my inner self so I can become more aware of my feminine side. As always, using humor to hide the fact that I’m a latent homosexual lesbian. Thank you and good morning.