This journal entry comes from a Psychology 115 class I had in college. I mixed it in with my Thoughts papers because it represents my only written thoughts from 1992. Each week, we were asked to write about specific aspects of our lives. For that reason, this is probably my most organized series of thoughts. I know it’s not as fun as my usual random thoughts, but it’s much more journal-like.
Brian Kirwan
Psy. 115
11/3/92
Week 1
In my education, my least productive years were in grade school. I was an extremely shy kid and, subsequently, I would daydream and draw pictures during much of the time I was supposed to be doing my work. There were some teachers who broke me out of my shell at times, but most of the time I hid in my own world.
During junior high, the school district separated me from most of the friends I made in grade school. They were on one side of town, and I was on the other. Socially, I became an even greater recluse than I was in grade school. On the other hand, I was getting straight A’s. I moved from being a social outcast to being a nerd. I was the one the other kids wanted in their groups when we did group reports because they knew I could and probably would do most of the work.
In high school, I realized getting all A’s was not all life was meant to be. I also realized many of the friends I had in grade school I was now seeing again in high school were not what I remembered them to be. A friend I had since we were in first grade now had a mohawk and was part of a strange group of people known as snobs. Actually, most of my friends from grade school were now snobs. The friends I made in high school were mostly misfits, like myself. They weren’t in any clubs or sports groups; they were just people who didn’t seem to fit into “normal” society. I fit in with them well.
My greatest lesson in high school happened the day I graduated. I realized that those years of sitting in classes with people who didn’t want to be there and learning things they didn’t want to learn was over. I would now get to decide what classes I wanted to take and when. The freedom was exhilarating.
I realized in high school one thing I really enjoyed was writing. One of the major reasons for this actually had nothing to do with the classes I was taking. It had to do with the “papers” I wrote at home and took to class. In these papers (which were not for school), I wrote strange, comic statements and stories about life. An example was a paper entitled “Hair: The One Reason My Palms Never Went to College.” When I handed them to other people I knew in class, I would smile inside when I heard them laugh out loud at things I had written. It was my form of expression opening up a whole new world to me. Where I could not communicate with people verbally, I could write on the page what I was thinking and express to them that way.
Through my college years, I have honed my writing skills and realized I can actually someday make money at what I enjoy. This quarter, I am in a script class that seems quite exciting. It combines the writing and visual aspects I like.
Week 2
I’ve tried making lists before. Sometimes it worked well, but most of the time I would only do less because I would worry about what I wasn’t doing and not do anything. Even now that I’m a senior, I have still never made a schedule of assignments I had due by some date. I have found it easier and less stressful (most of the time) just keeping a schedule in my head. At times (actually, many times), I have put off doing certain assignments until the last moment and had to work late getting them done. Even though this happens, I still stay away from lists.
By saying that I don’t use lists, I am not saying I disagree with the art of using lists. I sometimes make lists of important appointments I have in the future, but, as far as schoolwork is concerned, I retain my lack of list making. Most people I know who make lists seem stressed out most of the time. I already worry about what I’m not doing. I don’t need a list to shove it in my face more than my mind is already doing.
Perhaps in the future, when my schedule becomes filled with enormous engagements, I will begin making lists or have my secretary make lists of things I need to do. For now, I’m doing fine with my calendar of the mind. Perhaps this lack of enormous engagements is telling me something about my life. Maybe I need to do more things so I can be more fulfilled as a person.
Week 3
My childhood had both happiness and sadness in it. As a small child, one of the most poignant pictures of me was when I was under the sink of our old house playing with a toy. Many of the games I played were introverted ones. I drew cartoons, played video games, and made movies on a Super 8-millimeter camera with action figures. One film I made was “Return of the Jedi Pies.” I can attribute much of my creativity to my parents. They are creative people in their own right. They are not artistically creative, but they create something from nothing all the time. Looking at my dad, for instance, he has solved many a broken piece of furniture in many creative ways. The piece of furniture may not always look too attractive when he’s done, but he gets the job done.
I have often referred to my parents and Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. Their happiness has jumped off the scale at times. They rarely hit my sister or myself and, if they did, you knew there was a good reason for it. One time, I was acting too much like a brat for them to take and my dad spanked me in a rage. It wasn’t hard, but he was not in control of his anger when he was doing it. Later, as I was sitting in my room, he came in and sat on my bed next to me. He said, “I’m sorry I hit you so hard. I shouldn’t lose my temper and hit you like that.” He then laid himself out on the bed and asked me to spank him back. Knowing he was actually serious, I had to fight myself not to laugh at what he was asking me to do.
My parents were quite open to any topic I wanted to talk about. There were no “taboo” subjects in our house. For this, I am eternally grateful to them. I hear many stories of parents who wouldn’t talk to their kids about sex, alcoholics in the family, or many other forbidden subjects. The person I am today, a freethinking and independent person, I attribute to them.
The only problem I have of their raising of me is they protected me from the harsh realities of life most of the time. They didn’t make me go out and do things for myself. An example of this is when we would go to restaurants. I never wanted to talk to the servers, so they ordered for me. Of all the problems to have with your parents, though, this seems a pretty minor one.
Week 4
As I discussed before, my parents were open to many topics of discussion. Therefore, they didn’t thrust their beliefs or values upon me. They merely lived the life they thought was right and if I wanted to learn from that, so be it. As far as my personal thoughts, I have disagreed with them on several subjects.
Religiously, my parents basically have one whereas I don’t. I went to church as a kid and liked some things about it. It was a good place for people to get together and try to relieve the tensions of daily life. My being an atheist put a damper on about half of what the minister was saying because I didn’t accept one of the primary purposes of his speech. Being an atheist, you learn to take religious ideas with a grain of salt, but, given the choice, I’d rather go to a support group. My parents are sound people, and they raised me to be sound. That was the only real belief system they gave me. I have an independent mind able to decide on its own any issues that come up.
Politically, my parents lean slightly more to the right than I do. With this election, they are branching out. I think there’s hope for them yet. Socially, like politically, I lean to the left more than they do. My dad, born and raised in Nebraska, still believes homosexuals might as well die from aids before they continue being homosexuals. I think this point of view is so narrowminded that it is not worth discussing. My mom, born and raised in California, tolerates any lifestyle from anyone. Both my parents believe, as I do, as long as other people’s lifestyles don’t get in your way, they can do whatever they want.
My grandmother, my mother’s mother, is in a convalescent hospital right now. She is there primarily because she is overweight and refuses to accept that she needs to lose weight. She is also getting into her eighties and her mind isn’t as quick as it used to be. It’s hard to see her this way because she was so brutally honest in her life. I don’t know how honest I can be with her now. I don’t know if, when she looks at me and says something about being in pain, I should be as honest with her. My true feeling is if she wants to eat herself to death, then she should be able to do that. She’ll be having some fun doing it. Eating bland food and still being in pain in a hospital is no fun.
The one lesson I have learned from the experience is I don’t ever want to be in that position. As far as the weight is concerned, I don’t really have much to worry about. Most of my weight genes are from my father’s side of the family. I can eat a great deal and only gain a small amount of weight. As far as health is concerned, I don’t eat sugar and I try most of the time to eat healthy food. I don’t do enough exercise, but then again what person in college, besides athletes, does. I plan to have a better and better life as I get older. I’m a creative person and the more experience I have, the more creative I can be.
Week 5
When I hear people say they hate to be alone because they get bored, I do not know what that is like. Being an introverted person, I have learned to capitalize on my time alone. When I’m alone, I draw, read, play music, create music, write, or do many other things. The hardest part for me is deciding what to do.
One problem I probably have is not spending enough time in solitude. At times, I sit and just contemplate about my life, but those times are usually just before I go to sleep, and I have to stop those thoughts in order to go to sleep. When I am alone at home, I usually feel quite guilty if I’m not doing something either creative or productive.
I haven’t had a huge loss from the death of someone close to me. I’ve been to funerals, but none of them have been people I knew very well. Apparently, the greatest loss I have experienced in my life was when our family moved from Grand Terrace to Redlands. I don’t recall a great deal about it, so I can’t say I remember a huge loss from it. I have lost pets before. We lost a dog I didn’t really care much for, so I was losing something that didn’t really matter too much to me, anyway. This might not be the best thing, though. When I watch sad movies, I rarely, if at all, cry because I don’t have any experience with the loss people on screen are experiencing. It has also made me like comedies more than dramas.
At one time in my life, in junior high school, I thought about suicide. I saw my life as going nowhere and thought I would be better off dead. Luckily, I decided no matter how bad my life was it had to get better. As I’ve found out, that thought was true. I have found direction and purpose in life and have several large goals for myself and my future.
Thoughts from Life 
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