Unless you were out of the room when you read the title of this paper (which I do, myself, more times than I care to talk about), you gather that this is the last Thoughts from Life I will do (at least, in this format/environment). Being the end, I will use this first paragraph to talk about beginnings. Why beginnings, you say? When you end something, it’s always good to remember when that thing was new—a retrospective, if you will. When I began writing these thoughts, they were to occupy my empty moments at work. They began not as a collection really, but just general writings about various subjects. They slowly developed as almost related, bordering on diary thoughts. I tried not to have too many related paragraphs (that would have just been too easy on the mind of the reader). If I had actually been paid for the thoughts, I probably would have put more time and effort into them. Some thoughts I probably would have edited out. Some thoughts were too heavy and depressing for mass appeal. If someone ever wants to pay me for my random, weird thoughts, I will be all ready with the first few. It all began with my hair. I had thoughts on my hair that I didn’t just want to blurt out to other employees with no real reason or rhyme behind doing so. My fingers took over from that point. As prescribed by the doctors in my head, I bring you more (the final “more”) of my thoughts.
I’m a superhero. My car’s radiator reserve blew up in my face about a month ago and now I have superhuman skills. I leap from tall buildings and land on other tall buildings where I work, enjoy, do well, and get paid well for it. Did I mention I don’t have to get up at 8:00 am anymore? Have I said the word “sleep” yet? I can see into the future with my ex-ray seeing. It is bright, but my superhero suit I was issued by the government the day after the radiator accident shields me. I am suddenly great at sex. I may have been good at sex before, but my superhuman skills wiped out some of my memory. My greatest new skill as a superhero is being able to pay more of my bills. This may be the result of my new job, but I got the new job because of my superhuman skills (so it counts). Okay, my real greatest new skill is being able to sense when my point is made.
I enjoy playing with conventions, especially in my writing (okay, only in my writing). When I misspell or use incorrect grammar, it’s not wrong. It’s just me forging new ground in the arena of writing. I am a ground breaker, a risk taker, and a dream weaver (I feel like singing for some reason). I don’t like saying cliché phrases in cliché ways. I enjoy eluding to them without actually using them. I enjoy writing about everyday events in new ways. People who enjoy seeing things like everyone else scare me. These people live boring lives, with boring jobs, and a boring spouse. They like the same things to happen in the same ways. Change is their enemy. Change is my friend. I give it a good pet on the back every day to let it know I care. Some people enjoy change almost too much. These people wear nose rings, haven’t held a job for more than a week, and like the idea of not knowing who they’re going to bring home (actually, their parents’ home) to sleep with tonight. I’m facing the direction of the nose ring, but haven’t quite made the journey into total Nose Ring Land.
Tests. We’ve all taken them. Some of us have even given them. When I was working at the City, I interviewed people for jobs. I tried my best to make the people feel as comfortable as possible. Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do. You don’t know them. They don’t know you. Comfortable is only something you can strive for. The pressure is sometimes too much to take. Some people handled the pressure well. Some people did not. One person seemed to blow the interview on purpose. We (meaning myself and my then fellow employee and now wife, Patti) asked her what she would do if a certain situation came up at work and she said, “Run.” She was kidding, but her real answer wasn’t much better than her sarcastic one. We figured she was trying to collect unemployment and had to go on interviews to fill a quota. I had to take a test for the current job I’m going into. Another lady and I had to perform certain tasks in a graphics program after having been shown them. It was easy and fun. I did so well on the test that I was asking questions to the person administering the test he didn’t understand. I didn’t hear from them for a long, long time. To be clear, I do not live in a galaxy far, far away, so it wasn’t hard to get a hold of me. I think it took so long because I said I was looking for part-time employment in the interview because I didn’t really know what the job was. Tests are tough unless you know exactly what you’re doing.
Enough about me. What about the world? I’m glad you asked, Brian. In this next paragraph, I will talk about the world in enormously general terms. The world is alive. The past, present, and future are open with vast possibilities. Anyone who says life it boring is small-minded and can’t see past the mud on their face. Even waiting in line at the DMV can be an interesting and entertaining experience (which I realize isn’t talking about the world in “enormously general terms,” but I will try to forgive myself). You can listen to people talking about their miserable lives, learn a new language by reading signs that are written in multiple languages, or just look at people and make up lives for them based only on their noses. A world of excitement is out there for the having.
For most, life is too exciting. They don’t dream or wonder about other people’s lives because they just want to sit around and worry about change. Will the world ever be free from stupidity, immoral people, and things that suck? Probably not. If you only read a newspaper, you can get the impression the world is already resting comfortably in Hell’s hand basket. There are other things to read and get an impression of the world by. Just going out and experiencing life is the best way to suck in this thing I like to call the terrestrial smashing sphere. It’s between smashings right now, so we should enjoy the ride before it careens off the track and kills another innocent planet.
If people understood life … blah blah blah. All I ever do is think about life in the general. I’m going to list some specifics that irritate me:
• I specifically think loud electric staplers should be banned from the market. Computers are getting quieter. Why can’t electric staplers? Xerox machines have stapling functions. They are not loud like the electronic staplers. Why is this so? Economics? Who cares! I just say, “Shut up, electric staplers!” (It really kind of defeats the point when I yell, doesn’t it?) Shut up, electric staplers (whispered).
• People should stop naming their kids stupid names. Who cares if your aunt Beatrice appreciated you naming your child after her? She has a stupid name. Some names are outdated (Beatrice) and some names are just asinine. If your last name is Butts, you need to change your name anyway, but if you name your child Seymour, you’re an idiot and a jerk.
• Dress shoes of all types should be forced by law to be comfortable. The government should force all shoe manufactures to put a comfort label on their boxes. A test would be developed to measure the comfort of all shoes. We wear dress shoes usually to work, to office parties, and to job interviews which are stressful enough. We don’t need further stress on our feet. We should develop really hairy feet so we can wear whatever we want on our feet and just cover them with hair.
• As a tribute to papers I’ve done in the past, I don’t have a fourth item. Once again, items just look like more when they’re in groups of four.
It’s all over now. This is the final paragraph of the final paper of the ongoing thoughts I will have regarding everything. I will write more of these musings, but in a different format. Someday, I will get paid directly to write my thoughts about life. It will happen. I’ve seen the future, and it involves some kind of sticky paper substance. If all the world made sense, I would have nothing to write about. I’m glad the world is screwed up and the planets keep smashing into one another. It’s a good thing. I will always have contemplations to compose into works of art. Right now, I must go so I can jump into life with both nose hairs. Besides, I need to cut my hair—all of them.
Thoughts from Life 
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