I’m not complaining, but I have troublesome hair. I have thick, curly hair. This is fine if you want to be the Greatest American Hero (insert actor’s name here), but not if you want the hair you can run your fingers through. I can, theoretically, run my fingers through my hair, but, the moment I’m finished, I have fro action on my head. This is, of course, why I put shellac in my hair. Then again, my ears stick straight out to the side, so I can’t just go with one of those really short haircuts because I prove myself to be an Alfred E. Neuman look-a-like. I used to go into hair salons where mainly women went and they’d all say, “Oh my god, I love your hair. I wish I had your hair.” What these ladies didn’t realize is that they were women (they skipped that day in sex education class). I am a man, a male, hopefully the more macho between the two of us. The Fabios and Tom Cruises of the world do not have this kind of “lovely” curly hair. Shirley Temple had this kind of “lovely” curly hair. I don’t need or want it. Why do I go on this long about my hair? Because I have to stare at it every day, so the least you can do is listen to my babbling for a minute.
As mentioned before, I used to go to a hair salon, but don’t anymore. These days, I cut my hair. I know what you’re thinking, “Stop it!” Just listen. It started out because the person who was cutting my hair moved to another state. It later was a money saving scheme. Eventually, it developed into a preference of style. People always complain when they get a bad haircut. This usually happens because of a misunderstanding between the hair stylist/barber and yourself. You said, “Cut it short,” but what is too short? Before you stop going to your hair stylist/barber, however, observe how they cut your hair and where they cut it shorter or longer (it’s good to pick a good haircut for observation).
The first time you cut your own hair, sweat may obscure your vision because you are going to be nervous about giving yourself a bad haircut, but, if you do it in layers (“just a trim” in barber language), everything will be okay. Start in an easy place on your head. I’ve found the sides of my head to be the hardest to do, so perhaps avoid there. Results vary. You also might want to keep things even. Do as barbers do. Hold up the hair on various parts of your head and compare.
After having said all this, if you go to your hair stylist/barber for a lively conversation and you have extra money to blow on your head, keep up the good work. I’m not here to tell you how to run your life. I just want to give you all the suggestions for living you may not have thought of yet. I am an observer of life and people in general. I have observed many a person in relative invisibility. I blend into the background. I’m not attractive enough to stand out of a crowd, but I’m not unattractive enough to draw negative attention to myself. I walk the earth as the invisible man does (with great caution on busy streets). I’m also not saying this because I’m a shy person or I have all the answers to the world’s questions, but I have learned a thing or two in my years on this planet.
I’m a liberal person at heart. I may look clean-cut and conservative on the outside, but inside I’m a punk who has no job, a girlfriend who’s pregnant, and piercings all over my body. I would love to live free and see the world from the back of a pickup, but one thing holds me back from just breaking free and letting go of worldly possessions – public restrooms. If I didn’t have a home to go to in order to relieve myself, I would have a hard time relieving myself at all. This has only been a problem when I was going to an amusement park or the like. In the old days, I’d just drink as little as possible all day. This only works so long. As long as the restroom is loud, I’m pretty good. I used to be much worse. These days, only if someone is acting freakish in the restroom do I have a problem.
I have a plea to all those men who insist on coming into a public restroom whistling a little song. Don’t! I don’t want to be in the stall doing my thing wondering if this person is Mr. Rogers or Mr. Psycho-Killer. Why do I need to be put through such aggravation? You’re not whistling before you go into the restroom and I’ll bet you’re not whistling throughout the rest of your day, but, for some reason, the public restroom is the time you choose to develop your whistling prowess. Let me tell you something. Let me explain a little story to you. Shut up! It really doesn’t help that most people don’t whistle all that well. Practice and good balance is the key. Perhaps I can guess what you’re thinking – “Good balance? What the hell are you talking about?” In the next paragraph, I will explain my theory on the relationship between balance and being able to carry a tune.
Welcome to the paragraph in which I explain my theory concerning the relationship between having good balance and being able to carry a tune. The inning ear gives the body its balance. If you have a cold or other problems, your balance will not be as good as it is normally. You may not notice this because most people are not trying to stand on their hands when they have a cold, but it’s true. To sing or whistle in tune, you must hear the tune properly. If your inner ear is messed up to where you can’t walk straight, what makes you think you can sing straight. So, if you see someone stumbling around the streets, unable to walk straight, don’t ask him to sing for you (because he is probably drunk, thinks you are a talking tree, and he will probably relieve himself on you).
But, back to my liberal side, I can’t help but feel sorry for people no matter who or what they are. I even feel sorry for the guy holding the sign saying, “Why lie? I just want a beer.” He’s not doing what he is doing as an alternative to being an ad-exec. He is doing it because his life sucks so badly that having people give him dirty looks all day is nothing compared to not having a beer or several beers to numb his mind and pain from the experience of it all. Another side of me also thinks he is merely playing into what people want to hear. If he had a sign saying, “I need to pay my rent and feed my family,” he would probably get less money. By giving people something to laugh at, he is entertaining them. He is paid for his services accordingly. I wouldn’t give him money because I am not really entertained by the humor he is presenting. I give him an “A” for honesty (maybe) but a “C” for originality. Perhaps if he had a sign saying, “If you pay me money today, I won’t be here tomorrow,” I would give him money. Okay, I still wouldn’t.
And don’t get me started on “bless you.” Sneezing is not merely a sport of the religious and saying “bless you” is not merely a phrase of the religious. People who never go to church, barely believe in God, and have never cracked the binder on the Bible say the phrase “bless you” when someone sneezes. In case you don’t know, the phrase comes from a time when people believed “good spirits” (don’t ask me who I’m quoting) who protected the body were escaping their body when they sneezed. By saying “bless you” to someone, you are reinserting the “good spirits” into their body. Does this sound like voodoo? Well, it is.
People just want to be polite when they say “bless you” to someone. Most people I’ve questioned about their use of the phrase maintain it is just a courteous thing to say with no religious significance. Why should people care about the background of the phrase “bless you?” Why should anyone care about anything at all? The language said in much of life is religious. Our money says, “In God We Trust.” Regardless, why can’t we have a phrase like the Germans. When someone sneezes, they wish that person good health. We should do the same. When someone sneezes, we should just say, “I hope you don’t get sick or are already sick.” This is what we’re all really thinking (at least, our polite thoughts). This is just a suggestion. Feel free to get back to your illogical lives.
Phrases that should be but probably never will:
He’s so anal, he brings his own soap and water to a public restroom.
I’m so hip, I walk around with my underwear on my head.
I have such a huge collection of “stuff” at my house, my cats walk around with backpacks.
Thoughts from Life 
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